- Get started on the perfume I’m making for Eve.
- Play the hell out of some Skyrim.
- Make something in FL Studio. I don’t really have a hook in my head to start with, though.
- Finish configuring the netbook for emulator play. Yesterday’s testing was mixed. It’s fine with NES, Game Boy, Game Boy Color, and Sega Genesis, but some SNES games are choppy, particularly Super-FX enabled ones. N64 games were hit and miss, I was getting probably 50fps on Super Mario 64 but it choked up a big hairball on Goldeneye and Hot Wheels Turbo Racing. I haven’t bothered with my PSX roms. I haven’t set up Quickplay for my MAME roms yet as it’s quite involved.
- Get Quickbooks set up for Diana. She’s wanting to learn how to use it so she has another marketable skill for the future job search. The idea I had is that we can set up Shooting Star Perfumes as the business to learn with. It might get us back into making our own stuff.
- Eat the hell out of some pizza.
- Listen to some new albums that came out, particularly the new M83.
- Channel former blogging buddy Krooze L. Roy and review some old video games. I hope he reads this some time, because I miss the hell out of his writing, and I still want him to message me some time about Amplitude on PS2.

And even out of so many tempting options, the combination of pizza and Skyrim is a siren’s call I am unable to ignore. Bye.

I have these urges, but I am usually sated by a one-liner or statement that’s been on my mind. I have several friends that are finishing up on their NaNoWriMo projects today. A novel! Jeez. I don’t think I can keep a train of thought from derailing for that kind of length. An overactive imagination needs an outlet, though, and I have many. Lately it’s been Skyrim, but other common pastimes have been making perfumes, designing houses in The Sims 3, writing, trying to come close to the talent level of my 18-year old self at FL Studio, making stepcharts in StepMania, designing board, card, or role-playing games…I can keep busy. There’s something deeply satisfying about writing, especially on a platform like this where I can toss these words into empty space and whatever happens, happens.

Every creative outlet of mine has a muse, and for writing it is two entities. The first, my long-time muse, has been Jerry Holkins (Tycho Brahe) at Penny Arcade. He puts out the most amazingly smooth, polished work three times a week and his tone just makes me happy, his sense for when to drop the flowery language and rage-curse for a while is incredible. The second, a somewhat more recent find, are several of the writers at Cracked. What’s more, they blatantly encourage writing at all skill levels. Somehow, a website that routinely publishes lists like “The 7 Most Elaborate Dick Moves in Gaming History” has become a beacon for aspiring writers.

An article that Robert Brockway (arguably my favorite writer on the Cracked staff, incidentally) put up today got me to thinking. Three posts a week on here was the idea and that fell apart rather quickly. I get a surprising amount of traffic for how little I post, so if I were to start up again I may end up with an even bigger audience. If I were a “real” writer that shouldn’t matter, but I find it disheartening to write to an empty room. And, I must admit, the fragrance industry is short on top-tier writers and I can’t help but be fascinated with the prospect of working in that industry. So expect more reviews in the future as I sharpen my nose and writing chops.

Even hearing that guilt is a normal mechanism for suicide survivors, it makes the burden no less onerous. The argument with myself is that I should’ve spoken to him more, let him know he had friends and we really do care and want to see him do well, and not hurt. The placating counterargument is that I’m all the way out here, and he’s so far away, how much would it have meant? How much good would it have done? It’s the pain of never having an answer to that, no matter what and no matter how much you want one. Justifiably or not, I think a lot of us share a sense of guilt.

I have had closer deaths to me, my mother nearly six years ago and my grandfather around the age of 9. But I’ve never had to deal with someone I know taking their own life. Why does it feel so different? I did have plenty of time to prepare for losing Mom, after two near-death scares and seeing her the night before she died, I knew exactly what the call was at 4:45 that morning even as I was waking up.

Perhaps it’s different because Jon was about my age, and every day I am faced with that inescapable memento mori, the reminder that I too will die; he was only 8 months older than myself. Perhaps its different because we had so many shared experiences; we were coworkers in the same department, we sought each other’s knowledge and insight on a near-daily basis. We’ve both fought drug problems. And all the stressors of life as a young teenager, with a sick mother, generally unpopular at school, no love interest to speak of, and a series of painful illnesses, led me to contemplate suicide for what had to have been a year or two, around age 14 or 15. Though I never acted on it, the knowledge that I had a plan and could end things myself whenever I desired was a macabre sort of comfort that I hope you never experience, reader.

But things eventually turned around, I’m older, wiser, and happier now than I was then. I’ve made peace with those demons of my past. I cannot help but feel like if I could find a way through those dark days, Jon could have as well; and there again is guilt, because who am I to say that? Jon was also fighting a smoking addiction and chronic pain well beyond what I dealt with. It is pain that has the most destructive effect on the psyche to me; it amplifies all those other negative emotions, and for anyone the thought of spending the rest of their life in pain can be spirit-breaking.

Did he want to be helped? In this I honestly could not say, he hid it from all of us so well that I think he felt like I once did, it was a source of comfort in the end and an attempt to discuss or intervene would be met with equal parts gratitude and derision, because they may mean well but to be honest, they have no idea. It too is unknowable, but that does precious little to quell the want for an answer.

I’m writing this in large part for myself, hoping to find some resolution, some revelation. I know I ultimately won’t be able to put it past me until I can get back to Kentucky and see his resting place. But I hope that if you knew Jon, you might get something out of this as well. If nothing else, you’re not alone in your guilt. We all feel as thought we should have done more. But these thoughts are only marginally useful and largely destructive. Now I am left more with regrets than guilt; I should have spent more time talking to him, not because it might have saved him, but because he was a friend and deserved it.

Perhaps a new year’s resolution should be to be a better friend, and make more time for those I hold dear.

In memory of Jon Michael Vance,
5/15/1987 – 11/23/2010

It’s funny, this is actually a project I do inadvertently when I make compilation CDs to put in the car, or playlists to listen to on repeat. There will inevitably be weaker songs that I’ll grow tired of well before others. So I’ll tweak the selections, and try to come up with that perfect playlist to represent a genre. I know myself well enough to say I could listen to these five songs, on repeat, more or less perpetually, in this order.

BT – Dark Heart Dawning

Dark Heart Dawning is a relative sleeper track of BT’s, it never appeared on a single or EP after being released on the album Emotional Technology in 2003. While I have other favorites off the album (P A R I S and The Last Moment Of Clarity in particular) none of them exhibit the understated beauty of Dark Heart Dawning. Downtempo pedal steel guitar and a simple story segue into a powerful second half with a heavy gospel overtone. That’s off-putting to some, but I love the emotion you find in a song like this. Deep down I hope BT likes this one as much as I do.

Stevie Ray Vaughan – Riviera Paradise

I became a fan of SRV not long after I started playing the guitar, probably around age 14. I had a copy of Couldn’t Stand The Weather that I still think is one of the most complete displays of skill by a bluesman, from the slow, somber tale of “Tin Pan Alley” to upbeat rock riffs like “Scuttle Buttin’”, and a cover of Jimi’s “Voodoo Chile” that rivals the original. But it’s his instrumental work that surprises me the most. A guitarist listening to “Tin Pan Alley” or “Cold Shot” might come away thinking Stevie has a “bag of tricks” that he doesn’t want to deviate from. But listen to something like Riviera Paradise and you’ll find he’s talented enough to work his way through a beautiful, slow nine-minute instrumental without repeating himself, and displaying some chops that you rarely see out of him. I’ve spent plenty of time with Riviera Paradise on repeat by itself, this one would make it for sure if I had to narrow it down to three or two songs.

Joe Satriani – Why

Trying to narrow down my Satch discography to one song was tough, but I’ve listened to Why more than any other song of his, it’s timeless, it has a ton of memories attached to it, it’s just a work of pure talent by a guy that has no lack thereof. His more recent work has moved away from the shredding, pitch-axis dominant stuff he helped pioneer and into more thoughtful stuff, but listening to him play this one live in 2003 was nothing short of an honor.

Guns ‘N Roses – Sweet Child O’ Mine

Having worked tech retail while Guitar Hero II was on demo, I got to listen to Sweet Child O’ Mine no less than 20 times a shift. And I can’t think of a time where I thought to myself, “That’s about enough of that.” I don’t know what it is about it, a beautiful memorable melody, great energy and emotion, and a great guitar solo with tons of soul, Slash at his best. It puts a smile on my face pretty much every time I hear it.

Onoken – Vijore

Readers that had heard of every artist up to this one, don’t take it personally. Onoken is a Japanese electronica artist known primarily to folks in the Bemani scene. Most of his work has never made it out of Japan, but his album “Swell Strings” did, and out of a great album I find this as his best work, maybe ever (don’t hate on me, K8107 fans). The song has an underlying complexity that is beautiful as it is challenging to decipher, there’s something new to listen for every time. And there’s emotion, and tons of it! If you don’t feel anything from the dynamics and pitches used, you’re being really stubborn. In an age of dubstep and hardcore I point to this and say, “This is original and beautiful. And simple. And accessible.”

Food for thought, I hope. Feel free to think it over, and try commenting back with five songs to listen to forever.

This month has been the best, busiest and most life-changing month I’ve ever experienced. Let me bring you up to speed.

Back in early August, Diana and I moved in together, which involved moving out of our respective cities and into a new town. We knew where we wanted to be, but even now as I sit here, looking out the window to see the sunset casting the Sandia Mountains red, it’s hard to believe that the hard work and determination paid off and we’re really here: Albuquerque, New Mexico.

The drive out here was an experience in itself, the first day was a long drive much like any other I’ve been on. The second, however, took us through the wind farms and hills of Western Oklahoma, the stark, desolate panhandle of Texas, devoid of life save for Amarillo, which seems to pop up from nothing and leaves you back on God’s definition of the flatlands just as quickly. After Texas was two hundred miles of New Mexico, and it included the most breathtaking driving of my life, through canyons and overlooking mesas and mountain ridges in the distance that evoked a thought I’d never had before, the thought that the landscape of where you call home could truly make you happy or sad, and maybe people are happier out here just because they get little flashes of the truly awesome in their day-to-day life. The fact that Diana and I still find breathtaking new views seemingly every week is confirmation in itself that we picked the right home, and in many ways I feel like I was always meant to end up here.

After moving quickly came work, four days after moving to a town where we knew nobody and had nary a box unpacked. I transferred with Best Buy to the store out here, about a ten minute drive which was great, but I was also moved into a new department, which was less great. Even though I’ve been with the company longer than a good chunk of the people here, there’s always that strange outsider feeling that comes with moving to a new store, with a new way of doing things. I floundered in my new department until two days ago when my department transfer went through, and that in itself has made a huge difference.

Perhaps more importantly wasn’t my job situation but her’s, as she couldn’t transfer store-to-store. But a little providence, maybe a sign that we’re finally getting some reward for our persistence, and she picked up a job two and a half weeks after we moved in. She starts tomorrow and it’s going to be the start of something wonderful, there’s enough artistic connections with this coffee shop that she may be able to make some contacts and friends in the local scene.

The one thing that I was both most and least excited about was the opportunity to go back to college, a real college. Most excited because it’s going to lead to a career more fulfilling than this, least excited because I’ve let myself down with regards to school and grades in the past. I decided to just take one class this semester, a professional writing class, as I’m going to be working 30-35 hour weeks all the way into the holiday season. My first day of class today, and it wasn’t until I was leaving class, walking through this busy campus with students everywhere, strangers to a man, that I realized I’m really back in school. It was an unusual feeling, something resonating that this was what I was aiming for, and for a long time, it’s been four years since I was at a real college, some of my friends from high school probably have their degrees already. It’s maybe not the cut-and-dried path that so many get to follow, but this path is slowly becoming clearer.

Finally, what may well end up being the most momentous thing to happen to us so far happened not six hours ago, at a restaurant across the street from UNM called Frontier. Diana met me there after class for a celebratory meal and she was keeping herself occupied in the meantime by writing about some of the artwork displayed at the restaurant, which is probably 250 feet long and 30 or 40 feet deep, split into five rooms, and there’s artwork displayed on every wall, if I had to hazard a count as to individual pieces I’d say between 70 to 100, mostly paintings but also a few sculptures in various media, tapestries and native blankets, and other little gems and treasures throughout the place. She and I were discussing two paintings displayed one above the other on the wall, and comparing and contrasting the two, and we got to talking about her career goals and that they’re fairly hazy right now. She enjoys analyzing the works, and writing about them, and I suggested she write about every piece in Frontier, and ask the owner if he had a list of which is which and by whom. She ended up talking to him that day, that hour, and as it turns out nobody has really asked him anything like this before. He’s setting her up to talk to some of the artists, get to know them, maybe some interview opportunities, and I didn’t mention it at the time but it seems like if the quality is there, there may be a possibility of publishing the whole thing, a Frontier art book. The possibilities are vast and the ball’s in her court right now, but the fact that the owner’s not only willing but quite interested in helping her may really get her somewhere she wants to be professionally, it’s connections like these that do more even than a prestigious degree. I’m going to be helping her with it, I can handle the photography if nothing else, and it’s exciting for the both of us.

It’s also good to know that I can still sit every now and then and write, and push out 1000+ words with no real trouble, the goal’s been an Education degree in my head for a year or two now but I can’t really rule out writing, in any of it’s forms. This is something that I’ll be picking up again almost by necessity, working in different styles again and just getting back in the proverbial saddle. The next piece is probably going to be a review of the new album by 10 Years, with a new criteria and scoring system much like how wines are rated, it’s a system I like and I’m gonna give it a shot. So, here’s a blanket apology for my recent lapses in writing, but this is also probably the best promise to myself I could make, to treat this whole experience in New Mexico for the adventure that it is, and write accordingly.

See you in September.

“What’s new with you? :)”

The conversation’s been going on for over two months since then, and I’ve discovered some new things, namely that I love this girl named exquisitely_me and she loves me back. The gossip was a-flyin’ when Facebook had the hot scoop around the end of March, it was the first to report that…

“Daniel is in a relationship with Diana Kotyk.”

I fell completely off the map for about eleven days starting back on the 9th of this month, the last bit of communication being a tweet that said…

“Diana is going to be in my arms in five minutes tops!”

I did manage to get off one little blurb during that time, that read…

“I am having, without reservation, the best week of my life.”

My perfume reviews have been on pen and paper, shoulder to shoulder with Diana, over a vial of fragrance, or perhaps a verbal review (also known as an ‘opinion’), soft words of like or dislike, learning, exploring, and expanding knowledge of the art. She’s encouraged me to get back into writing, though, so I trade comfortable seclusion for another round of writing for the masses.

In love. That’s where I’ve been, and in fact it’s the locale I write from even now, dear reader.

EDIT: Ooh, also, my bottle of Palisander arrived today! It’s pretty damn tiny for a 75mL bottle. D: I’ll take their word for it though. Also the 2.5mL atomizers got here today, thanks Sally at Accessories for Fragrances. If you ever need decanting supplies she’s very highly recommended by not just me but many of the Basenotes crew.

What does this mean for the blog? Not much, the delay in content has less to do with real life and more to do with the fact that I’m waiting on some atomizers to get here so I can transfer the new Bond samples into spray bottles instead of vials. I also have some content to come for the website proper, which sadly you guys won’t be able to see as it’s for private use. :P

The re-design and WordPress upgrade are on hold while I look into some possible compatibility bugs, my comment spam eater (the amazing Spam Karma 2) averages 10 to 20 blocked comments daily and I don’t really want to lose that protection for an upgrade that extends me personally no extra functionality.

So there’s your status for the moment. Monday begins another chapter in my life, I should also have the atomizers by then and we should be business as usual starting then or Tuesday.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, I wore Thierry Mugler Cologne and got some flak for it. Too strong, they say, and I’m inclined to agree with them. I took a shower when I got home and it’s still there; that is some tenacious stuff.

Okay no that’s all I’ve got in relation to Ice Cube. Today just went about as well as I could ever hope for a day to go. Woke up with no pain or stiffness in my ankle, got out of bed refreshed and sat in front of the new 32″ monitor (the computer hasn’t acted up in almost a week now), some Brian Eno playing as the creative juices stirred and I found myself completely caught up on my reviewing. Well, so I say, I’ve still got a bit over 30 reviews to go but I’m caught up in the niche experiment.

I’ve been in the process of trying to move up within the Office Depot company; it’s been unsuccessful but not for lack of effort. I’m currently in what’s considered a Level 1 position, and the next step up is (surprise) Level 2. One of the major conditions for working at the store I’m at currently is that I would be able to be promoted to this Level 2 position fairly quickly. Sure enough, about a month into my tenure there a spot opened up. I was told, yup, we’re all set, just gotta key you in for it. Fast forward to a week later. Nothing. Fast forward. Nothing, it never happened. The position simply isn’t there now, they chose not to fill it at all.

That wouldn’t have bothered me too much except that I was continually being led to believe that I was getting this position. If you’re not gonna do it, tell me you’re not gonna do it. Combine that with the fact that the manager in question is not what I consider a model leader (I’m wording this carefully), and it becomes pretty clear what my course of action was when I saw another Level 2 spot open up in another store in Louisville.

Turns out it’s just a bit further out, and the staff there is arguably the most highly respected in the city. Their store manager has a tremendous reputation with every manager I’ve talked to, and one of their department managers and I used to work together back at the Paducah store.

I visited the store for the first time today, it is about 5 miles further but the roads and traffic are such that the time difference is negligible. It’s also easily the nicest looking store I’ve ever been to, pictured above. Talked to the managers and everything went fantastic, I think I made a good first impression. Decided to leave and let them discuss it, went home and cooked lunch, gave them a call back around 3:30.

Here’s the situation in a nutshell. My current manager has the opportunity to match this new store’s offer; that is, either I get the promotion and raise here, or get it there. It’s entirely up to my current manager. If he realizes my worth he’ll keep me but I don’t think he does. In all truth I’d be happier at the new store so no great lost, I take a great deal of pleasure in proving people wrong about me.

Something about today’s given me a much-needed spark that’d been starting to fade. I’m more upbeat about tomorrow, confident in what I need to do and really just a hell of a lot happier than I was a week ago. Now I can only hope that everything goes as expected.

Wish me luck.