BurritoQuest: The RPG That Fits In Your Hand

This is a fairly freeform post, I’m laying some groundwork for a game I’ve had in my head for nearly a year, and am only now deciding to put the metaphorical pen to paper (bits to hard drive?) and see what comes of it. The game is intended to be funny, but partly because the inhabitants of this world aren’t aware that their actions are ridiculous to us. For them, it’s just the way things are. This post covers the overview and some details of the game world. There will be quite a bit more than what I manage tonight.

Overview:
It is the year 478 of the Fifth Era, and change hangs in the air of the continent of Adovad. The great war that marked the end of the Fourth Era has left scars on the land that persist even now. Politically, maps were redrawn and there exists peace among the kingdoms for the first time in decades. Lord Varyll Strongbad ruled the dwarven kingdom of Q’doba with a beefy fist. The twins Tel-Rojo and Tel-Verde serve as gentle shepherds for the emancipated nation of Chy’Le, populated by High Elves. Lastly, the wizard-queen Choriza Heartfire is both loved and feared by the humans of Posole. The free city of Calabacita sits on the border connecting the three nations and serves as the cultural epicenter for all civilized peoples of Adovad. There, any disputes among the kingdoms are settled by the recently revived tradition of burrito-making. [See Burritocraft for more information.]

Recently, scribes had finished translation on a recipe not seen by any mortal in two thousand years. The people rejoiced from one end of the land to the other, and myriad burritos were consumed. The rulers of the three kingdoms and the Elder Council of Calabacita sent out decrees looking for adventurers of might and cunning to create the legendary burrito as the ancient runes proclaimed it should be. Now, all men know of the dangers of a Burrito Quest, but also do they know of the rewards that go with them. Indeed, Lord Varyll Strongbad of Q’doba became king by being the first mortal in an eon to construct and wield the legendary Tongueflayer, Burrito of the Dragon Aspect. Those few that were courageous enough to take up the Quest gathered outside the Forum of the Elder Council in the city of Calabacita.

The High Priestess of Calabacita, an elder high elf cleric named Xyriana Shadetree, stood to greet the crowd with a young human boy by her side, absentmindedly fingering at a scroll in his hands.

“Adventurers of Adovad, all of you honor me with your presence. For those that do not know me, I go by Shadetree the Chosen. You all are here to undertake the largest burrito project in the history of the kingdoms. Our scribes spent month after sleepless month teasing the meaning of the runes found on the walls of a temple formerly inhabited by the old races. We now have a complete translation of this burrito of lore, which my young assistant Jarmir will recite.”

The crowd looked to Jarmir, a youth with sandy blond hair and piercing blue eyes who looked to be no older than the age of ten. He unfurls the scroll he had been toying with earlier and spoke to the croud in a piping but firm voice.

“This burrito recipe was recorded by the ancients in two separate poems, one describing it’s origins and one describing the ingredients. You all will receive a copy of the translation. The first poem is as follows.”

The child clears his throat and begins.

“Behold! Burrito from the wild
Tortilla wrought of chaos weave
Forbidden food of spider’s child
Behold! Burrito from the wild
From knowledge to leave gods beguiled
Imbued by Lolth to help deceive
Behold! Burrito from the wild
Tortilla wrought of chaos weave”

The silence after the reading was deafening. This was not what any of them had expected; while past quests were for burritos with no clear alignment or aligned to good deities, this one sounded like a creation of servants of Lolth, Demon Queen of Spiders. Many elves were visibly outraged, and one spoke up from towards the front of the crowd, glaring at Shadetree.

“Great Gods, why would you want such a terrible thing brought back into this world? Is the elder council so bored of peace that it sees fit to offend the entirety of Chy’Le with this drow-loving filth? We would never stand for such a thing!” Several encouraging cheers came from the crowd, and Shadetree put up one hand to speak.

“Good sir, the boy still has the second half of the reading to finish, but calm yourself. Let me explain before we go any further. Several items in the recipe are the last of their kind, we seek to construct this dark artifact and then destroy it in a Grill of Ebon Flame, as it was originally created. We cannot be sure that others are not already searching for these ingredients for far more nefarious means, and while we do not fully understand how powerful this burrito may be, the chance to rid this world of an artifact of evil should be a call to action, not the opposite.”

The angry elf that spoke up looked still had a hard look in his eyes, but nodded. “Anything that exists to aid the drow should be destroyed, we are agreed there. Have the boy give the list of ingredients.”

Shadetree nodded to the young Jarmir, who unfurled the scroll farther.

“Burritocrafter, listen close,
a recipe so grandiose
creation of it will engross
the minds of mortal man.

Burritocrafter, listen close,
a recipe so grandiose
creation of it will engross
the minds of mortal man.”

Jarmir rolled up the scroll and handed it to Shadetree, who looked out at the crowd. “You have your instructions. The scribes have consulted the Burritodiac and feel that this must surely be the one the ancients called Arach-Ito, Bane of the Eladrin. The elders will help answer what questions we can, we will be in the forum for the rest of the day. The council wishes all of you good luck and a safe journey.” With that, she and the child depart leaving the crowd, who are talking loudly amongst themselves.

Burritocraft:
Much like great works of art showed the cultural might of the city-states of old, burritocraft is now a claim to celebrity and wealth. The art of burritocraft had died, it’s secrets lost, for over two thousand years. Ancient races unknown to modern man had grand dining halls within their temples, there existed darker sects that wielded burritos of great corrupting power, consorting with ancient demons who dealt in forbidden knowledge, crafting these evil foodstuffs in dungeons, runes carved into them on grills kept alight by dark flames that threw shadows in all directions. Some say these dark sanctums still operate, the curators of these dark burritos now undead skeletons and shades. Now, burritos have been crafted for some three hundred years, after a team of dwarven adventurers happened upon a temple with it’s runic burrito still there, despite millennia of exposure to the elements and all manner of creature. The first deciphering of a runic burrito led to many subsequent discoveries and translations from the temples of the old races, as they’re called by modern folk. The absorption of burritos into the daily life of the people of Adovad was sped up by the magical powers they granted. Adovad’s priests and clerics had never had access to magic to aid their followings, and careful preparation of runic and consumable burritos aided in every area of life.

Runic Burritos:
The runic burrito has become a central fact of life for most Adovadans. Translating the work of the old races has given modern men the ability to inscribe powerful symbols into burritos, giving them magical properties. The abilities depend on the tortilla used, the meat or magical focus used, and the runes inscribed. A simple, common runic burrito is the Burrito of Healing, owned by nearly all upper and middle class families and available for use by the lower class that cannot afford them at most temples. A Burrito of Healing is typically a simple flour tortilla, which allows for only one runic phrase, and stuffed with fey chicken or beef. The rune for “Heal” is carefully burned into the tortilla, and is immediately put on a Grill of Enchanting, where it gains the property not only to heal, but to stay perpetually fresh and resists most damage, either mundane or even magical. An adventurer may have an assortment of burritos to aid them, a less common one (but still fairly common) is the Shielding Burrito, worn on the wrist opposite the user’s main hand and buckled on with steel. They require the heart of a fey ox for a simple small shield or even a dragon for a highly resistant, large shield. The age of the creature effects the potency of the enchantment, and elder dragons do not part with their hearts easily, but the meat is used in many high-level Runic Burritos. The type of tortilla determines the number of runes that can be inscribed onto a burrito. Adovadan flour or cornmeal allows for only one rune, the much rarer Adovadan Blue Corn can be ground into a meal that will allow for a two-rune tortilla. Three-rune tortillas are possible, made from flour of the Feywild, but wheat rarely grows in large enough amounts for one adventurer to find enough for a tortilla large enough to fit all three runic phrases. The legendary burritos of lore had no runes, suggesting that they derive their power from a magical focus inside.

In further episodes: Burritos of Lore, Consumable Burritos, descriptions of the kingdoms and rulers, etc.