Be the Leg that Kicks the Ass that is Attached to a Better You

I mean, that’s a working title. I’ll probably keep it though.

It’s largely in reference to the previous post, which while inspired (and honestly really good, I think) is difficult to follow through on, though not due to fear or reluctance. It’s largely because the meds weren’t dialed in then. I was hypomanic when I wrote that. I was about six weeks into the antipsychotic medication that I’ve taken every day for the last nine months. And they don’t tell you this when you start, or during it, but it takes months to straighten you out. Only really in the last month or two do I feel like I’m actually fully in control. The complicated part is that you don’t know you’re getting better while you’re getting better, or that it’s steadily changing and progressing. Looking back now, I can see clearly that I’m doing a lot better than I was six or nine months ago, and it’s possible that six or nine months from now it’ll be an equally stark difference.

What this is manifesting as is subtle but profound. You can think of bipolar disorder as your mood being on a sine wave. I’m simplifying, and the precise shape of the wave is a bit different for me, but I was never good with math.

Medication shrinks the amplitude of the wave. It never makes it completely flat, but it makes the highs less high, and the lows less low.

I’d known that for quite a while now. What I didn’t know is that it would continue to reduce the amplitude even further as time went on. I’m now spending a lot more time around that center point. I was really lacking in the equipment and exposure to even know that things could be better.

There’s a drawback though, one that many folks with bipolar 2 (my particular flavor) lament. You see, we’d really like it if the graph looked more like this:

Hypomania is, for many of us, the brief period in our lives where shit gets done. Absent of it, we find ourselves lacking in motivation. I am hysterically productive in a hypomanic episode. Nearly every huge chunk of effort, every big project accomplished in my life, I can point firmly to bipolar hypomania as the reason. A few years ago, maybe 3 years now, I cleaned up my Gmail inbox. My Gmail inbox that I hadn’t deleted a single thing from since the day I registered it in 2006. It was something like 22,000 emails. I went through the whole thing in two days. When I was being rolled off my client as a consultant that same year, and I needed documentation for the last three years of work, I was in the middle of a hypomanic episode and wrote something like 40 pages of thorough documentation with links, screenshots, tables, the whole nine, in three days. By then I was aware of what was going on and when the BA was thanking me and expressing her admiration for the volume of work done, I replied with “that’s that bipolar magic.”

And now I kinda miss the bipolar magic. This is common. Motivation without it is a real pain in the ass. I don’t know how you guys do it. Literally, I don’t know how. I have no experience with this state of being.

My new stability has been put to the test since last Friday when my wife had to fly out to take care of her mom unexpectedly. That leaves me and the parrot.

She means well, usually, probably, but she can be quite needy. And then there’s all the other little obligations in keeping the home in working order and adequately provisioned for the two of us. Normally just having Diana around is sufficient motivation to do things by virtue of not wanting to let her down. Absent that, I was looking at this departure with a great deal of trepidation. I have a lot of bad memories about living on my own in Louisville, undiagnosed and unmedicated, and it was the low point in my life.

It’s been ten days now, and I found out this morning that she’ll be back Friday afternoon. I’m actually fairly proud of myself. The house will be in a better state than she left it in. Rio’s wanted for nothing. I’ve stayed engaged at work. That part has all been great, really exceeding my own expectations.

Oddly enough, what I’m struggling with the most is that I have no idea what to do with myself in my free time.

I’m gonna be honest, if you look through the archives of this blog, and you see me mention “project,” or “ambitious,” just know that I was hypomanic when I wrote that. I don’t even need to look. Starting projects is fun! There’s usually many small tasks that need to be done in the beginning, and they’re easy and familiar, and completing them feels very rewarding, which is likely a byproduct of also having ADHD, where dopamine is in short supply and quick wins can really help with that. The trouble begins about halfway into the project, when things are no longer easy or familiar. This tends to be where they get abandoned, and I’ve spun my wheels and exerted large amounts of energy for no tangible gain.

In short, I need a new hobby or more motivation for my existing ones. I don’t know which is easier. I bought a book called “Get A Hobby” and another book called “This Book Will Motivate You.” Clever titles, the both of them. I’ll let you know which one won. There’s very little material out there for motivation as it relates to bipolar remission, which is a bummer, as it’s a little different from bog-standard self-help. But, hopefully it’ll suffice.

I’ll admit I have a collection of interests that sound like a good time, but I can’t bring myself to actually try. It’s kind of like the meme with the little girl staring out the window and then crying into her crayons.

Only it’s thinking about doing literally anything and doing literally anything.

Anyways, wish me luck, I’d really like to find something to do with in my spare time.