Category: Deep Thoughts

Blogging Deep Thoughts Life
May 18, 2024

On Guarantees Or The Lack Thereof

You are guaranteed very, very little, bordering on nothing at all, in this world. There are guarantees of certain, axiomatic truths. Tautologies. So, nothing worth a shit.

You’re not guaranteed the sun will rise tomorrow, and you’re certainly not guaranteed that you will rise tomorrow. You’re not guaranteed peace, happiness, unhappiness, war, pestilence, or the winning lottery numbers. You’re not guaranteed that you’ll be able to finish a list of guarantees.

And you’re damn sure not guaranteed that the next thing you write will be any good.

How would you go about guaranteeing such a thing, just logically? You’re gonna know your next thoughts are gonna be good before you think them? Be fuckin’ for real. And just as there’s no idea too bad that it can’t be saved through amazing execution, there’s no idea so powerful, so moving and transcendental, that it couldn’t be sabotaged by the brain farts.

So, realistically, this shouldn’t be on your mind. Why waste cycles on an impossibility? You won’t know how a creative work goes until you do it any more than you won’t be positive your car will start the next time you try to go get a burrito.

Take the cap off the pen. Take the metaphorical computer cap off the computer pen. It doesn’t matter. Don’t worry about what you’re going to write and fucking go. Write something people aren’t supposed to see, and put “if you’re reading this fuck you, I don’t like you” somewhere in there to let them know. Just go. Go in with no plans, go in with no thoughts and see what happens. You have my permission for it to be bad. You should extend yourself the same courtesy.

Just go. Write about your day, or the chair your sitting in, that it’s … (More) “On Guarantees Or The Lack Thereof”

Deep Thoughts
May 23, 2016

Introducing Service as a Service®.

Introducing Service as a Service.

–NEW YORK, May 23, 2016

Bearpuncher Solutions, LLC, renowned innovative creators of Hypertext Over HTTP and Thursday, have broken the mold all over again with a new service paradigm for the connected world of everything and also things.

Service as a Service® combines the proven demand for service with the modern efficiencies of As A Service. What results is a business model familiar to many.

“Look, I invented Thursday, and if there’s anything I know, it’s that Service as a Service® is way more than just paying an employee to work for you,” was the quote from company CEO Dave Bearpuncher.

Bearpuncher continued, “To start with, you only pay the employees for the hours they’re scheduled to work. And in return, they do work for you, like make the next Facebook. You’d have to be a real [stupid person] to not see the difference.”

Bearpuncher Solutions (NYSE: MAUL) is expected to begin licensing Service as a Service® in Q3.

“This Service as a Service® is gonna be a real game-changer for the DevOpsese and Cloudmen. Everyone is going to service their business using a service-driven service model,” said Jim Bearpuncher, Director of Marketing.

“Other financial people ask me, ‘Jimmy, why would we want to license Service as a Service®? It seems awfully similar to what we’ve been doing.’ And I tell them, I tell them, look at this watch. That’s no Folex, brother.”

Many analysts have raved about the new service model, improving guidance on Bearpuncher Solutions to a Strong Buy. Some are less convinced, however.

“If someone can explain to me in twenty words or less what Bearpuncher Solutions does and how Dave Bearpuncher is a billionaire, I’ll give you a hundred bucks,” an anonymous financial advisor wrote.

“Utter rubbish. They’re trying to copyright … (More) “Introducing Service as a Service®.”

Deep Thoughts
July 20, 2009

Sunday, January 9, 2005

Once upon thirteen drugs heady, as I rocked on slow and steady,
To Squarepusher’s title track off the album Ultravisitor
While I tripped out, nearly napping, suddenly I heard a yapping,
As of someone loudly rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“Tis some wigger dude,” I muttered, “Rapping at my chamber door –
Just a wigger, nothing more.”

Well, I really don’t remember but I think it was December,
And each trippy drug cast its own walrus ‘cross the kitchen floor.
Cleverly I tried to steal from my uncle’s stash a meal,
Of pop tarts and potato peels that he purchased from the store.
Oreos and big cheese wheels that he purchased from the store.
Ninety-nine cents at the store.

And when the hungry hungry hippos flicked their golden shiny Zippos,
I was filled with terror that no man had ever felt before.
So that now, to still the beating of my heart I stood repeating
“Tis some wigger dude entreating entrance at my chamber door –
Some bling-blingin’ dude entreating entrance at my chamber door.
Just a wigger, nothing more.”… (More) “Sunday, January 9, 2005”

Deep Thoughts
February 13, 2009

A conspiracy from outer space. Also, you’re drunk.

I’ve yet to figure out why, or how, this works, but it’s happened enough times over the past few months that I can only assume the worst. By the worst I of course mean that aliens are remotely turning off the hot water when I decide to wash my hair. EVERY SINGLE TIME! What is that? I can be in the shower 5 seconds or half an hour, whenever I say to myself “Why don’t I wash my hair?” I get a reply from a superior lifeform, observing from the Oort Cloud. Observing as my concern turns to irritation which turns into a frenzied melee of lathering, rinsing, and repeating.

Even now, as I write this naked with wet hair (which I’m sure you all were dying to know), I can only hope these lifeforms find out what they’re wanting soon.… (More) “A conspiracy from outer space. Also, you’re drunk.”

Deep Thoughts
January 25, 2009

Twelve Twenty Five Oh Nine Nine Twenty Four

Something to consider, and be honest with yourself: How often does the image that you project to those around you match up with who you feel you really are?  Do you feel uncomfortable with exploring this line of thought, knowing that it’s more often than not?  Do you wish you could drop this second character and just be yourself, unafraid and beyond reproach for doing something most people are too scared to attempt?

Why don’t you?… (More) “Twelve Twenty Five Oh Nine Nine Twenty Four”

Deep Thoughts Work
August 18, 2008

I want a stamp.

We make stamps at work, I want one that says “I ASKED A STUPID QUESTION” in angry red letters.  And when someone…asks a stupid question, I will smash the stamp down on their stupid head.  And send them on their way slightly wiser for the experience.… (More) “I want a stamp.”