With less than 36 hours to the move I have to say…holy crap I still have a ton of stuff to do.
And I’m getting sick.
And I may or may not sleep tonight.
Or tomorrow night.… (More) “Uneasy Rider”
So things were going just a little too well as the days closed to the move. I just hit a raccoon and my radiator appears to be shot, though it’s hard to tell with no light. Taking it to the dealer tomorrow and hoping they can get it fixed Thursday or Friday at the latest.
This does put pretty much everything I’ve worked for over the past two months at risk.
*headdesk*… (More) “Wakeup Call”
With six days to the move I find myself awake, after three hours of what would be best described as a full body shutdown. The stress, the frantic running around, the bureaucratic shuffle with UofL, it all caught up with me today, during my last day of work at the Office Depot in Paducah. I spent most of my day in a daze, wandering, thinking, feeling and shutting off conscious thought, to the point of stopping mid-sentence with customers a few times.
A week ago, I was thinking. It was a driving, frenzied sort of train of thought that left sleep totally out of the equation. So at 4 in the morning, I pour myself some coffee and sit down with the dogs, thinking about the future.
The conscious act of deciding what to do for the next 20 to 30 years is massive. To ponder that act is itself even more terrifying.
Computer Engineering and Computer Science. That’s what it says on my transcript. A field I couldn’t honestly tell you why I selected. Actually that’s a lie, I know exactly why: Money. Prestige, comfort, security. Materialism. While I consider myself something of an expert with these machines I have no aspiration to shepherd a farm of servers for the rest of my life. Nor do I, if I am honest with myself, want to be a database administrator. I picked Oracle because it was the richest database to master. Though some of you wouldn’t expect it of me, my favorite thing to do with these things is design things. Not even cool stuff like models, but flyers and advertisements and stuff. Graphic Design is even a little too binding a term because I’m not much of an artist, but the act (the art?) of laying out an ad … (More) “Coming Clean”
Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve seen in your life? Maybe not, but considering it’s me? Thought so. Here’s a little history lesson for you, the Bernheim Mansion (above, obv.)
This fine example of Richardsonian Romanesque architecture was built in 1893 and contains over 8,000 square feet of exotic woods and interesting woodwork. This home is built of stone and its main exterior feature is a stunning triple archway entry. The interior centers around a curved stairwell crowned with stained glass windows.
Early owners were Mr. W.W. Hite (1893) of the Louisville and Evansville Mail Company. By 1899, the house passed to Bernard Bernheim of the Bernheim Distilling Company, whose many charities include the Louisville Park System and the Jefferson Memorial Statue.
So I live in an 8,000 sq. ft. crib. Sweet deal. Of course the whole place isn’t mine, I’m actually living in what was the kitchen (the fact that the kitchen is large enough to comfortably live in speaks volumes). Hardwood in the bedroom, the living room and kitchen have the original 1893-era tile, bathroom’s completely remodeled. I get the feeling this will be the nicest place I will live in for the foreseeable future.… (More) “My New Place”
This is bullshit. This has to stop. I just want to go to bed! It’s not all about you, whether you think so or not. I have very important things to do in the morning that extend beyond “sleepin'”. And I realize it’s sudden, changing my mind after a week or 10 days. But I can’t do it anymore. I’ve got too much stuff to do.
zZz…… (More) “Dear Insomnia”
Goddamn this dusty room
This hazy afternoon
I’m breathing in this silence
Like never before
This feeling that I get
This one last cigarette
As I lay awake
And wait for you to come through the door
Oh maybe, maybe, maybe
I can share it with you
I behave, I behave, I behave
So I can share it with you
You were not alone
Dear loneliness
You forgot
But I remembered this
Oh stranger, stranger,
Stranger things have happened, I know
I am not alone
Dear loneliness
I forgot
That I remembered this
Oh stranger, stranger,
Stranger things have happened, I know
We’ll dream about somewhere
Our smoke will fill the air
As I lay awake and wait
For you to walk out that door
I can change, I can change, I can change
But who you want me to be
I’m the same, I’m the same, I’m the same
What do you want me to be
You were not alone
Dear loneliness
You forgot
But I remembered this
Oh stranger, stranger,
Stranger things have happened, I know
I am not alone
Dear loneliness
I forgot
That I remembered this
You were not alone
Dear loneliness
You forgot
But I remembered this
Oh stranger, stranger,
Stranger things have happened, I know… (More) “Stranger Things Have Happened”
So up at 7 in the morning, work from 8:30 to 5:30, and then I get to get in my car and drive to Louisville. That’s a four hour drive and change of time zone for those that don’t know the location. So I’m sort of tired, go figure. Hopefully this trip will clear up just about all the remaining obstacles to moving back.
Albums I listened to on the way up:
Live – Songs From Black Mountain
Live – The Distance To Here
Infected Mushroom – Converting Vegetarians CD2
Joe Satriani – Crystal Planet
“Shakawkaw” by Infected Mushroom is now tied in my memory to this drive. I do that for some reason, I’ll listen to a song and every once in a long while something will just connect. California Sunshine by Abakus, for example, brings back memories of the drive to Oklahoma we took about three years ago. I don’t know, something about the combination of the darkening sky, and the road opening up and revealing the city of Leitchfield, and the techno-guitar-thing that is the breakdown of Shakawkaw.
Got my one year evaluation at work today. Shafted. Will be talking to corporate about giving people raises that at least covers inflation.… (More) “Western Kentucky Parkway blows.”
Apparently I’m not quite smart enough for Business school, but I am smart enough to be a student in the department of Arts and Sciences. And that’s okay. Honestly I don’t care what they label me at the moment, but the thought that I really wasn’t going to be able to go back to Louisville bothered me more than I’d care to admit.
Three more weeks of class, a month to get ready, and then back in Louisville and this time I’m going with a focus that I didn’t have the first time. I was just so damn ready to get away from everything at home, that I forgot what I was going for.
The great stereotypical response to why I was even going to college would be “to make my parents proud”. It was during a visit to my mom’s grave a year ago that I came to a rather deep personal truth; they were already proud of me. However I ended on this trip, they’d be proud. I had to make me proud of me. That’s it. A simple thought, but it reveals all kinds of things about one’s true nature.
So I try again, again a little scared, little nervous. Lots of little details to cover between now and then, such as how I’m actually going to pay for all of this. But it’s all one step at a time, and I can’t do much about things like that at midnight, nor do I really care to.
The dream’s alive again, and I fear it’ll keep me from sleep for a night or two.… (More) “UofL-bound once more.”